A couple of months ago, I attended a CLE seminar, where a local judge regaled us with stories of his early career, visiting prisoners and interviewing them. There was one situation where the convict had a particularly nasty arrogance about him, and informed the lawyer-turned-judge that when he was done interviewing him, he would let the lawyer know, because he wasn't sure he really liked him or wanted to proceed. The lawyer-turned-judge (I like typing that) packed up his brief case and stood up to leave without saying a word. The prisoner told him to sit down because he was not done talking to him yet, and he therefore could not leave until the prisoner gave him permission to. To which the lawyer-turned-judge replied 'the difference between me and you is that you are required to stay here. I however, am not, and may leave any time I like, because I am on the other side of the bars.' The client shut up, and respectfully listend to the lawyer-turned-judge.
When I heard this story, I thought the way he exercised control over the situation was admirable; I never thought i would say something like that to one of my clients. I pride myself in the patience and respectful tone I am able to exercise over my clients.
Today, for the first time, I got up mid interview with a client and told him I was done and when he was ready to talk to me, I would listen. I should note that this was after about 20 minutes of dandy proclimations from my client such as 'you are with the prosecutor' and 'man, court appointed--more like disappointed. You are the shittiest lawyer ever' and 'hey, you slacking on your job--i aksed (sic) you to get me my paperwork. Quit being a lazy bitch. You don't even know what you need to do anyway, cause you court appointed. You suck at your job.' and gems such as 'you think I'm scared of prison? I ain't scared. I know people who go in and out all the time. I ain't worried about nothing. I just don't like that you're screwing me on this. I'll be in and out in no time, and you will still be here, doing nothing.'
At that point, I got pissed. My filter faded away. I lost my ability to remember that he is a broken and dejected kid who knows nothing but the streets. I told him that judging by the fear that crept across his face when I informed him that he would be doing a mandatory sentence of two years, and his excessive lashing out, I would have thought otherwise of his proclamation of fearlessness, but if he wanted to continue to deny it, and refuse to be open in communicating with me, then that was fine. I then told him the conversation was over and I would inform the prosecutor of how we will proceed from there.
Yeah, I am not proud of how I handled that. I am quite ashamed, actually. For two reasons. First, I let him get to me. I didn't sit in my objective seat and keep the emotion out of it. I let his barbs cut me and I did not rise above. I spend so much time trying to sit in my objective place that sometimes it's just exhausting. I liken it to being the referee at a volleyball match--I am able to see the game up close, but I am sitting up above the game, and able to see things from a distance, and not get too involved. Sometimes I feel like I fall out of my chair and get tangled in the net.
I am without a doubt, my own worst enemy. I know I can't be perfect. But it's like I'm hit with one thing after another these days....
Footnote: I really need to spell check and edit these before I post them :P
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