I am afraid. I have fears, like everyone does. I am under an unusually high amount of stress at present, which is making my fears and insecurities rise up a little more than usual. I am trying to take some of them on right now, because I have noticed them creeping up and affecting my daily life, but this is a far more difficult task than I had imagined. My fears are encouraging me to rest comfortably in my chair and not to worry about it. 'Have a cup of tea,' they say. 'Read the book your friend just gave you.' You see, my fears know that if I don't do anything about it, I don't have to take some really tough issues head on. If I don't do anything about it, I don't have to challenge myself or grow or change. If I don't do anything about it, I am safe.
But if I stay within the safety of those fears, I do not grow, and not growing and learning is by far, scarier than any other fear I have. The idea of staying safe is somewhat counter-intuitive to me, because I, as P would tell me, am an explorer. It's not that I like to explore strange new worlds and galaxies right away. I like to exlore in a different way. I like to find my boundaries, and push on the boundaries i know are there. I like to push the envelope. I like to think of it as not thinking outside the box, but being in a box of known rules and limitations, and pushing on that to see how I can get that box to bend and twist to my ideas and concepts. Once I understand how my ideas fit within that box, I will then move on to a different area.
But sometimes, I have an idea or concept proposed to me, that will really throw me for a loop. And while I like to be challenged in some ways, I don't like being constantly challenged or crippled by my fears. I hate that I have sleepless nights and I feel like someone punched me in the stomach sometimes. I hate that my fears affect my relationships. Worst of all, I hate that my son notices. It's time to put some of my fears to rest. I need to face my challenges not just for me, but so I can have a better relationship with the people in my life. Well, how the hell do you put fears to rest? I ran across an article from Dr. Phil, and while normally, I would scoff and roll my eyes and sigh in contempt because I can't stand Dr. Phil, this article actually had some interesting points that piqued my interest. The biggest thing I took away from it is that all fears boil down to control--either losing it, or being out of control, and the best way to combat that sense of loss of control, is to change your inner dialogue regarding that fear. So for example, if you fear flying because you will crash and die, combat your fear by replacing that dialogue with rational, fact based dialogue.
I am not particularly interested in broadcasting my specific fears at present--that makes me a little more vulnerable than I wish to be in public at present. But I am working. Diligently. I will stumble, and the road will not be an easy one, but it is one I am willing to take.
