I never knew daylight could be so violent/A revelation in the light of day/You can't choose what stays and what fades away

It's no secret that i have been struggling on several fronts lately.  I have been working my *ass* off lately though, trying to be closer to myself, to feel human, to feel normal again. To not feel like a freak, or like I am inadequate or wrong, misshapen, or like i don't belong.  I have had some extremely painful growth and realizations lately, about my life as an attorney, a mother, a lover, a wife.  Yesterday, I snapped. 

Like a volcano, I completely erupted. No, I can't say it was like a volcano, it was more like I felt exhausted and beaten down, and tired and defeated, but yesterday, I felt like a fire sparked and awakened the consciousness inside the weakened zombie body and mind I have been living in the past few months.  Everything came to a head on a couple of fronts in particular, and for the first time in months, I put my foot down.  No; I not only put my foot down, (sorry to wax geek here, but I can't help the awesome parallel) I slammed my staff down in a Gandalf -like fashion and screamed 'you shall not pass.'  I finally had the guts to ask myself and those around me, how many times does something have to happen before it's not okay? My hyper-keen sense of justice awakened once again and rose above the smoke and guided me, once again, in the right direction.

What put even more heat in the situation, is that I had this revelation in the middle of my day, in the middle of a courtroom, waiting to see a judge.  A couple of days ago, I asked, no, begged, the universe for some sort of epiphany or movement in my heart and mind. But as the lyrics in my subject line state, 'I never knew daylight could be so violent.'  And oh, how violent it was.  Directly after two difficult criminal clients, a difficult court appearance, traveling all day, and then receiving a piece of news via text that challenged me, it was as though a flare of white-hot anger coursed through my body, and I awakened from a painful, nightmare-filled sleep.

Yesterday, I had SO much movement and progress in a few fronts in my life.  Because I haven't felt much of anything, the anger I first felt was intoxicating. It felt GOOD to feel anything besides numbness, hopelessness, fear, or sadness.  It felt good to feel something that prompted me to draw a line and to assert myself.

I am still angry concerning a couple of items, but while anger isn't always productive, I can't say that about this angry energy.  It has forced me to work through some things and to see the good and benefit of lessons I had to learn and go through, as well as lessons the people close to me had to go through.  It's surprising what will stay with you or what you can walk away from after an epiphany-type moment like i had yesterday. 

I am still emotional.  I go from relief to anger to peacefulness to wanting more answers. Regardless of what I feel, a drive remains  and continues to fuel me.  Constantly feeling like I have purpose, and that feeling of purpose and awareness is relieving on so many levels. 

My facebook post earlier said that I'm starting to feel more like my old self, but I no longer think that is accurate.  I think a better statement is that I am feeling sentient once again, but I am no longer my old self.  I am a LAZ that has done a significant amount of changing and growth over the past couple of years. So of COURSE I'm not the same person. I feel like I have been put though a meat grinder. I feel like I have burst into flames and have risen from the ashes.  I feel like I am finally able to draw lines and definitions again that help me remember where I am, where I have been, and where I will go.  I am not saying everything is 100% better. I still have a long way to go.  But I could not have gotten anywhere without this dam breaking.

An interesting side note to this, is that I have also been in survival mode over the past two years. I however have had the fortune of having a wonderful turn of growth in my business which has afforded me the ability to move from survival mode to goal setting.  I haven't set personal or professional goals for myself in over two years.  It feels good to have this opportunity, while at the same time, the ability and courage to draw lines where I need to draw them to remain autonomous and loving and balanced and everything I want to be for myself and for those I love.

"You wept but your soul was willing."

Normally I have so many things to say.  I have so many subjects on which I can pontificate. but not today.  Not lately.  Now, I am frozen.  I can't think anymore. I am overwhelmed.   It's like i have shut down.  I have started seeing a therapist.  She tells me that it's no wonder that I feel this way, with all that I have taken on. To sum up, I have chosen certain paths to take in my life, like anyone does, because I saw the benefit and reward of those paths to me.  However, with reward there also comes risk.  There are challenges to every path. It just so happens that I have taken some particularly difficult paths.  I have done so willingly; I have done so because while my life is busy and complicated, I generally find it rewarding. 

But right now, I am struggling.  I am struggling because I have taken on too much.  I am struggling to find my identity within each role I play every day.  I am struggling to keep faith, and to know and appreciate that providence still smiles upon me though I don't quite see it right now.  I am struggling to see the good in things these days.  I have become a cynical version of myself that beats up on my normal self, and I don't really like it. 

So the question becomes how do I simplify my life?  How do I try to take my life less seriously?  (It's only life, after all).  I can't and won't go backwards. I need to figure out how to move forward while at the same time creating space for forgiveness--of myself.  I am without a doubt my own worst enemy.

I am committing to writing a new blog each week henceforth, in order to get things off my chest, and to unload, and give myself some more room.  More room to breathe. More room to allow myself to feel. More room to try to be human again and feel normal. 

This is the worst blog ever, but I just have nothing left to say beyond this.